...and the depression sets in

one day i'm fine, the next i'm a shipwreck.

for the life of me, i do not know why do i keep jeopardising my own lovelife with my own short-temperedness. i could've controlled the situation, but i didnt.

it's been a long time since we had a fight... and this morning we had one. i was shouting at the top of my lungs in the car with the air-conditioning running but i didnt feel it cooling me down at all. all i became was more and more aggravated.

this is the normal scenario when a fight happens, only difference is the location. i'm fed-up of myself, and also of him for making me feel so useless, so unimportant... so UNIMPORTANT!! i'm the wife for crying out loud. but i still don't know him, don't know how he became to be the person he is today, don't know what milestones shaped him to be what he is now, etc etc... and i hate that feeling of being in the unknown!!! i want him to share his life with me freely. but the stereotype that he has in his mind of me being an "angry person" is carved in stone.. i can't change that no matter how nice i become. he'll always remember me as "the angry person". AND I FUCKING HATE THAT!!!

i cry, i feel guilt, i feel like apologising but that would only look like i'm admitting defeat. or is that just my ego? i feel sad for having this fight, i feel so many things! i feel like running away..

i want to escape from all this internal madness...

change of blogspots

i've changed my blogspot to this one.. got more life and color mah. the below blogs are from the previous residence - for me to read when i'm bored and to keep as memory...

Wednesday, August 23, 2006
i'm very sentimental today. i am TOTALLY grateful to have a lifelong partner such as my lovely husband. at this exact moment, no words can describe my love for him. my heart bursts with so much l-o-v-e. like the ribena drink that he loves - bursting with goodness :)

a friend introduced me to this other friend of mine's blog and with much curiosity, i visited the blogspot and read her splashes (jots - as she calls it). she spoke about her history with her husband and how they met in 2004. she also mentioned my own hubby's name in her blog as the guys are good frens.. when i found his name there, i felt a bit funny.. not funny-funny but curious-funny. i wondered what he was like at that time, who he was with, was he also looking for love that fated nite my friend met her soulmate, etc etc... and i was thinking to myself, God allowed us to meet only later in life... and i pray to God that it will last for eternity for real - not like in a courtship where the word "eternity" is cheap."love him & cherish him - he is your protector, your lover, your soulmate"...
// posted by Zeeda @ 11:47 PM

Thursday, April 27, 2006
i am so angry.. angry at smthg.. or smone? all i wanted was to make love.. we've spoken about it and he bloody forgot. mind u, nowadays it's not that easy for me to "want" it anymore... shit man. so i prepared myself yesterday to do the grown-up (or what i thot was gonna happen) so when it didnt happen i got so frustrated and at last - angry.what the hell is WRONG with me? god help me.
// posted by Zeeda @ 1:28 AM

Tuesday, December 27, 2005
after 2 long years of absence, i have come once again to pen my thoughts..as the year draws to a close, let's be grateful for the things that've happened in 2005:

1. planned for marriage with Adrin - was a big struggle to get there but finally he let down his guards and we planned together

2. realised that Adrin didn't want marriage in the first place

3. found another love (Jimmy) who DOES want to grow old together with me

4. had to jump a couple of jobs to finally settle at a big corporate player - Hyundai-Sime Darby Motors

5. grew closer to girlfriends thru chatting sessionsalthough

No. 2 is sort of sarcastic, but it WAS one of the best things that have happened to me because without that realisation, i would not have moved on with life.. although i can only think of 5 things to be grateful for here, No. 3 would be the major contributing factor to my blessings..Jimmy.. we became fast friends at a birthday party of one of Adrin's friends... never thought anything could happen between us so i tried to hook him up with one of my friends, Juliana, who immediately fell in love with him... over time, my relationship with Adrin deteriorated and he never had any feelings for Juliana, so the move was made to catch me instead... instantly, i fell in love with him with his thoughtfulness, his tenderness, his patience, his strength.. fell in love with HIM. he wants to grow old with me... he is the best thing that had ever happened to me.BUT...when you've prayed long and hard for something, you somehow find it hard to believe when it finally arrives.. and when Jimmy arrived on my doorstep, i was somehow surprised that somebody would actually want to share his life with me (when you've been shot down so many times, somehow or another you tend to believe that you're not worth other people's lives).. he actually made a point to tell me of his intentions, his noble intentions, the time we officially became a couple... i was in disbelief mode for a good few weeks..we were speed dating.. not that kind of speed dating, but the kind where your courtship period is accelerated to accommodate the wedding planning and the merging of 2 families.. it was a whirlwind.. you become confused at your roles - whether you want to be the gf, or the future-wife, or the future daughter-in-law, or whatever else that comes with marriage..old habits die hard right? my alter ego (miss don't-care-what-he-thinks-only-thing-that-matters-in-the-world-is-me-and-my-feelings) came out in a matter of months because of the acceleration.. why do i always jeopardise my life like this? i'm contemplative.. do i deserve to be loved? do i deserve HIS love?
// posted by Zeeda @ 5:12 PM

Friday, August 15, 2003
can somebody just kill me? i feel so depressed.. losing love to the uncertain is very hard to grasp.. it's better if he had somebody else.. that would be easier to swallow.. i cry most of the time.. i cry myself to sleep.. but when i'm tired, i just drift into the night with the knowledge that i've actually lost the battle to keep him because of my own doing.. that's the saddest part.. i can't take this anymore.. can i just disappear?
// posted by Zeeda @ 1:30 AM

Tuesday, August 12, 2003
as i drift into the night, i dream of u.. as the morning light shines thru my window, i dare not open my eyes, afraid that the harsh and brutal reality would hit me.. as i do get out of my bed, tears run down my cheeks.. with the thought that we won't be together forever, i will let u go.. although my soul screams to grab u into my arms and never let u leave, i will have to, as i love u too much...goodbye my sweet love.. we are not meant to be together if u do not feel the same way about me..
// posted by Zeeda @ 7:47 PM

Thursday, August 07, 2003
work's a breeze.. but life can make u feel like you're stuck in mid-air.. frustration and desperation: two of the most deadly words, the death of hope.. however, love comes back to me as if it never left and this gives me the strength to go on again, the happiness to sing joyous tunes again.. love.. sigh..
// posted by Zeeda @ 12:11 AM

Monday, August 04, 2003
nuthin much.. love life sucks as always.. my life is my love, without my love i will crumple and die.. i love him to the moon and back, but does he?......i do not know
// posted by Zeeda @ 12:57 AM