H.A.P.P.Y (not feet) - a tribute to Di

my lovely fren, Princess Diana of the Alco Land, just did me a voluntary favour (maybe cos she's one of u who want to comment on my entries the most hahaha) so she did some magical html editing to my blog, twisted her wrist here & there, and voila - my blog now has the comments button!!!

* i'm ever so thrilled! *

so now, u can jot down anything u feel like in the comments section of my blog (chewah, i have a comments section now, like it's some big department store :P )

thanks Di, u're not just lovely in apperance... u're lovely in every way =)

ps: go see my hen's nite photos at this link: http://awfulviolet.fotopages.com/?entry=727214&back=http://awfulviolet.fotopages.com/

these lovely girls organised for me... sho shweet la u all - LOVE YA loads!

stories from songs

i used to listen to the words of this song intently and they sang to me...

it's like telling a story about me...

*****

"You Were Meant For Me"

I hear the clock, it's six a.m.

I feel so far from where I've been

I got my eggs and my pancakes too

I got my maple syrup, everything but you.

I break the yolks, make a smiley face

I kinda like it in my brand new place

I wipe the spots off the mirror

Don't leave the keys in the door

Never put wet towels on the floor anymore 'cause

Dreams last for so long even after you're gone

I know you love me

And soon you will see

You were meant for me

And I was meant for you.

I called my momma, she was out for a walk

Consoled a cup of coffee but it didn't wanna talk

So I picked up a paper, it was more bad news

More hearts being broken or people being used

Put on my coat in the pouring rain

I saw a movie it just wasn't the same

Cause it was happy and I was sad

It made me miss you oh so bad 'cause

Dreams last for so long

Even after you're gone

I know you love me

And soon you will see

You were meant for me

And I was meant for you.

I go about my business, I'm doin fine

Besides what would I say if I had you on the line

Same old story, not much to say

Hearts are broken, everyday.

I brush my teeth and put the cap back on

I know you hate it when I leave the light on

I pick a book up. Turn the sheets down.

Take a deep breath and a good look around

Put on my pjs and hop into bed

I'm half alive but I feel mostly dead

I try and tell myself it'll be all right

I just shouldn't think anymore tonight 'cause

Dreams last for so long even after you're gone

I know you love me

And soon I know you will see

You were meant for me

And I was meant for you

Yeah.... You were meant for me and I was meant for you.

*****

i love this song byJewel.. she tells a story about herself.. not like other songs, most of them just ramble about stupid things... many other songs tell a good story if u really listen to them... sometimes even a rock song can say a lot, like this one.

*****

"Dance, Dance" by Fall Out Boy

She says she's no good with words but I'm worse

Barely stuttered out"A joke of a romantic" or stuck to my tongue

Weighed down with words too over-dramatic

Tonight it's "it can't get much worse"

Vs. "no one should ever feel like..

"I'm two quarters and a heart down

And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds

These words are all I have so I'll write them

So you need them just to get by

[Whispered:] We're going into D-Minor

Dance, Dance

We're falling apart to half time

Dance, Dance

And these are the lives you'd love to lead

Dance, this is the way they'd love

If they knew how misery loved me

You always fold just before you're found out

Drink up its last call

Last resort

But only the first mistake and I...

I'm two quarters and a heart down

And I don't want to forget how your voice sounds

These words are all I have so I'll write them

So you need them just to get by

Why don't you show me the little bit of spine

You've been saving for his mattress, love

Dance, Dance

We're falling apart to half time

Dance, Dance

And these are the lives you'd love to lead

Dance, this is the way they'd love

If they knew how misery loved me

Why don't you show me the little bit of spine

You've been saving for his mattress (mattress, mattress)

I only want sympathy in the form of you crawling into bed with me this simple line of words is so poetic to me, man

Dance, Dance

We're falling apart to half time

Dance, Dance

And these are the lives you'd love to lead

Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)

Dance this is the way they'd love (way they'd love)

Dance this is the way they'd love

If they knew how misery loved me

Dance, Dance

Dance, Dance

Dance, Dance

Dance, Dance

*****

this song is about a play of words and the emotions that a

rocking young boy is trying to express...

get the meaning and think about it.

but first of all - take the time, and just listen...

u'd learn a lot.

i'm just hangin' around =/

still on "comments"

i've changed my template to this one now... hope u guys reading it won't feel out of place :) it's got a cleaner interface doesn't it?

i actually wanted to insert the comments button thingy, i read all the blogger help group postings and the last resort they said was to change the template. i did, and nothing is still happening.. i've resigned to letting it go instead of thinking about it over and over again.. i'm not trying to find a cure for cancer anyway, so let it gooooo....

if u guys want to post a comment(s), just email me lah.. senang citer - zeedayazid@gmail.com.

don't ask me about this anymore ok?

an insomniac, i am

last nite i had my insomnia attack again after so long.. i woke up at 4.00 am, with so many thoughts swirling around in my head.. i was trying to trick my brain into sleeping by closing my eyes but after a half hour of that and listening to mr. sleepyhead snoring happily next to me, i opened my eyes, felt a little sting and turned on the tv..

i flicked through the channels but nothing good was on so i pushed the info button and channel 70 (starworld) was going to show Oprah at 5.00 am.. i happily waited.

the show's issue of the day was abusive spouses.. they featured this couple who's been married for 13 years and the husband abused the wife verbally, mentally, emotionally and sometimes when it gets really bad, physically.. and then Oprah brought in this very famous and successful marriage counsellor who then put the couple through a therapy session.. in one session, the husband could finally see what he was doing wrong to the wife, and most importantly, why he was doing it to her and his children. it all began in his own home when he was a child, where his parents were mistreating him and his siblings..

from that show, i could see myself through the husband's eyes... i am not going to deny that i've never abused anybody before, especially of the verbal kind. all of my boyfrens before jim had experienced that side of me.. and jim is not an exception.

i've learned to understand how it feels to be verbally abused by reflecting myself through the victim's eyes... i know how jim feels like when i shout names at him and yet i can't control myself in the heat of the moment.. i know that the first thing u shouldn't do when in a fight with a loved one is to name-call.. but i am still guilty of this until today, although the huge fights have worn off, thank god.

i've also learned another important element in a marriage, which is to compliment your other half on the things that u like him to do at/for/with u. the counsellor gave a tip from his own marriage - to say at least one (more than one is always better) good thing about your other half before u go to sleep. when u do this, u will instantly change your mindset about your marriage to a positive one (if u were having negative thoughts before).. all the bad habits, all the annoying traits and all the irritating things about your other half will disappear in that exact moment. your other half will in turn say at least one good thing about u and u will instantly feel better about yourself, which will then result in u wanting to do more good things for him and vice versa. this is a good cycle to practice, i will call this the good karma cycle. and i wish to practice this, if i can muster enough confidence to ask jim, that is.

in my bout of sleeplessness, i watched my beautiful man wrapping his hand around me and he doens't even notice it.. i know how much he loves me and i should know that he hurts too whenever we get into a fight despite the cool look on his face.. he never shouts back at me, (well, there was once but i give him some credit for that cos i was really pushing him to his limits) he will talk back calmly to me, and i will be the one yelling and cursing and screaming away psychotically.

so what i'm trying to get at is that i do not wish to be that abusive spouse like the ones frequently shown on tv. i don't know how i became the person i am today, with much bitterness inside me sometimes.. maybe the fights that i saw between my parents are the foundation for me in making (bad) decisions with loved ones.. they used to tear the house down with their fights, not just arguments, but big fights, with some wrestling action also u know (bila pikir balik, kelakar la pulak). so i guess, subconciously those images have been translated into actions and decisions when i grew up. i seldom choose the high way, i always seem to succumb to my inner evil and pick on fights even before i could stop it..

the first 4-5 months into our marriage, it was very rough.. we were trying to settle into a pattern, trying to build the first few blocks of foundation for the life we've committed to having together.. it wasn't easy, and mind u, it shouldn't be. it was harder for us because all in all we've only known each other for one year and nine months only i.e. from the first day we met until today. but now, the dust has settled and we are enjoying the peace and love that married couples should enjoy together.

sigh.. i am working on myself, only god knows how hard.. with this realisation, i hope at other times i am a pleasant person to hang around with...

ps: i would like to thank Oprah for keeping me company this morning.. i finally dozed off a little after 6.00 am :)

a WTF moment

i'd like to reiterate the fact that using the internet to spread the word of god just seems unethical to me. it's as if they are abusing it in fact.

i received another forwarded email from a (well-meaning) fren with the subject title: [Islamic-ebook] Pls check before eating choc- don't miss this

the short article:

Gambar di bawah memang sesuai buat rujukan bagi mereka yang dah tahu Nestle' dipunyai oleh musuh Allah dan RasulNya, tapi masih lagi menyokong dan membeli pelbagai barangan dari syarikat tersebut dan rangkaian syarikat zionis lain seperti mc' donald, coca cola, Jonhson & johnson, Sara Lee, Kimberly Clark dan..... Syabas bagi mereka yang mengekang nafsu mereka dan keluarga kerana Allah..
SEBARKAN..

Wassalamu'alaikum w.w.

the attached photo:











i didn't know the meaning of "zionist" at first so i googled it.

web definition of zionist: relating to or characteristic of a supporter of Zionism
web definition of Zionism: Zionism is the Jewish national movement of rebirth and renewal in the land of Israel - the historical birthplace of the Jewish people.

OH COME ON!

how can this be the works of a zionist company plotting to get rid of the Islam religion thru a kit kat bar? if the person who noticed the roach in the bar can notice the roach, don't u think that other people can notice it too? why does everything have to be about the wars against Islam??

why can't they just think that Nestle has issues on quality control, smthg as simple as that? that they should buck up on their cleanliness and carefulness?

i've heard of muslim businessmen using dirtier tactics just to get sales. like the rumour on Satay Kajang, that they re-use the satay sticks after people have eaten off them so that they can save costs. and how about this some kedai mamak (purportedly muslims themselves) putting some sick dude's underwear in the rojak sauce for "mandrem". and then, u'll hear things like some kedai pak haji abu on some jalan haji taib serving roach curries to their customers..

so what about them? are they plotting to take down Islam? or are they just selfish businessmen who just want to reap in more money using dirty and often downright crazy tactics?

my take on Nestle is that they made a mistake. the roach must've crawled from godknowswhere and it missed their quality control guy's eye and got stuck in a kit kat bar. and it doesn't take a rocket scientist to know that roaches love food, any kind of food. a kit kat bar is heaven to the roach. the poor thing just got stuck there cos it didn't know it was on a conveyor belt.

we are all humans. last time i checked, humans are capable of and allowed to make mistakes.. Nestle just made an expensive mistake, but a mistake all the same.

to me, this is a classic What The Fuck moment. smthg like this can be turned 180 degrees around and re-labelled as a wage of war against a specific religion..

what the hell are they teaching our kids in school then?

so sick - physically and mentally

i've been sick. sick as a pup. all that writing in previous entries were done out of finding smthg to make me feel better. but it hasn't worked.

i'm sick yet again today. last night went to the doctor's and got loads of meds. i'm a legal junkie =)

so anyhoo, while waiting for my turn we read The Sunday Star.. on the second page was this huge article titled: "meet the millionaire sisters". and one of the sisters was my schoolmate in ssp. the photo was of her and her sister flanking their bad-ass cars - a beamer and a nissan fairlady..

i was thinking to myself, shit, i almost got into unit trust.. why couldn't i have just went thru with it? cos u know why? i can't sell shit to save my life.

how do u go up to total strangers to sell smthg, to convince them to part with their money? and i'm not just talking about asking them to give u rm10 or so, i'm talking about thousands. and i don't know how to take the rejection later on.. i'd just be angry i think and throw things at their faces hehe maybe i should go to a sales seminar or course.

well, the outcome of that article we read was that jim confessed to me that he is also getting tired of this 9-5 jobs.. he wants to do smthg like open up a business or whatever but we'll have to wait until i finish paying off my debts in 14 months time. (only then will i be debt-free woohoo!!)

he's starting to feel the weariness i feel whenever i think about getting up in the morning to go to a dead-end job. we are just sick of getting ridiculous orders from our stupid bosses to do stuff that we think are not in our job scopes like we're some kind of morons. and the shoutings and the rushings from them are just not helping..

i want to change careers, like i said in a previous entry, i want to be an english lecturer.. but i didn't enroll into the masters in english course like i planned due to certain things that came up.. maybe i'll do it for sure after i'm debt-free..

the other option is to migrate. but that's a more difficult choice to make - the money to collect, the family to leave behind, etc...

so that's why i said, i'm not just physically sick, it's also affected me mentally. when my body's not functioning well, i tend to think all sorts of reasons why i'm sick.. today, my excuse is: i'm sick from my job and my country.

what my bed looked like last night

dah baik dah =)

panda eksyen

....

by 10.45pm

mr. hubby a.k.a daddy meow

mr. emosi a.k.a abang meow

lil ms. gypsie a.k.a adik meow

...all three pengsan. mama meow duduk sorang2 on the bed watching tv :S

aku dah gemuk

i can't seem to shed even as little as 2kg.. i used to be 48kg, now i'm a whopping 53! this is what birth control pills can do to u - they make u effing fat! i swear i don't wanna look like this girl.

i hate to exercise although the day is lovely for a walk outside.. it hasn't rained today so the weather is perfect at 4 o'clock in the afternoon - neither sunny nor gloomy. the sky is bright blue and there's a gentle breeze blowing.. i know panda would love me to walk him, but i think gypsie's not ready for that.

my current lifestyle, or more precisely, routine is:

at home - wake up, take a shower, get ready for work, drive to work.

at work - have breakfast, do some work (if any), have lunch, do some more work (if any again), get ready to pack up and leave, go home.

at home -

option a: watch some telly, play with cats, wait for jim to come home for dinner, eat dinner, take a shower, pray, play with cats again, get ready for sleep, sleep.

option b: cook dinner, have dinner with jim, wash up, take a shower, pray, play with cats, get ready for sleep, sleep.

for both options - if i'm in the mood, before sleep there'll be some horizontal action lah.

I'M EFFING BORED WITH MY LIFE!

i don't go out with my frens as much as i used to. i still want to, but it seems that my frens also have their own lives to lead, so time for socialising with each other is few.

i've started to get quite sickly these couple of weeks. my body works in such a way that it needs a vacation every 3 months.. now i'm way past due, the last holiday we had was to manila, and that wasn't much of a vacation when u go with your inlaws. i really need my holidays to keep me motivated - to get up in the mornings, to get to work, to get a life. otherwise, there's nothing to look forward to.

it's supposed to be thanksgiving today, so i'm collecting things to be thankful for:

next weekend, we're going for a family weekend escape to PD, this time it's MY family. i can't wait for that. i can't wait to see how i feel having an other half with me on a family holiday. back then, u'd feel like a part of u is missing while u're with your family somewhere cos your boyfriend is not with u.. well now, your boyfriend has become your family, so the feeling should be great to not miss anything.

end of the year over hari raya haji, we're going to langkawi again and stay at the little motel where he proposed to me on the sand. reminiscing time =)

and on our anniversary in march, we're going to phuket with kakcik and amin - YAYYYYYY!!!

so what i want to do now is to lose some weight to look good in my swimsuit, but it's just not working. age is really taking vengeance on me man... dulu nak kurus senang saja, i just don't eat for 2 days and i'd lose like 2kg of water.. now, i think the water has become frozen and won't leave my body i tell u. bencinya! and let's not forget the cellulite i have to battle with, it starts from the knee up ok! but it's ok, i should be thankful that i don't have breast cancer.

anyway, i want to go out more with my frens just like before... will u guys take me out?

ps: to my thin-as-stick frens, makan la birth control pills if u want to get fat. it's the best weight gainer i can suggest.

"this show is about nothing" - quote: George Constanza from Seinfeld

i am right now eating my jamie oliver-stamped chocolate mousse while posting a new entry right at the comfort of my home. the tv in my bedroom is blaring with the 2006 american music awards to keep me company. my throat burned like fire this morning so i made a doe-eyed look to make jim melt hehe. he gave me another free out-of-jail card today (read: jail = work) but i haven't cashed the card yet for an mc.. later lah.

today, i wanna talk about...

my life... it is sometimes more or less excerpts from movies and tv shows and also song lyrics, cos i grew up in front of the tv and beside the radio, literally. when your siblings are too old to play with you when u are just a kid, u find ways to entertain yourself right? lucky for me, a 70s baby, the tv and the radio had already been invented.

when your life is about nothing, what do u actually have to say about anything?

i was lying on the bed just now, wathcing this movie called "the sleeping dictionary" starring jessica alba. 2 characters were having a conversation - a young man and an elderly woman:

W: ....i suppose at your age u don't know what love really is..
M: so how is it? to be in love?
W: well, it's more of.... companionship, full of feeling..

i don't have much to say about current affairs, but what i like to talk about is love and life. like the elderly woman in the movie just now, i've realised that love really is companionship, to be with someone, to feel a belonging to..

when i was younger, love was all lust.. but now, i've come to recognise that the meaning of love is much deeper - sharing your life with someone u like to be with (keyword: like).. i look at my parents now and i know that they love each other despite the silly little tiffs they have once in a while.. they are growing old together and they don't mind it a bit. they are basically keeping each other company, and the best part is, they like each other's company.

the kind of love i have for jim is not the lusty type anymore, although it was for a little while.. although i have no more lust left in my bones, i do still have some stored in my spirit. i've also got passion, that much i can be happy about. i've got a passion to be a good wife to him, to be with him through thick and thin, to make (two) babies with him (hehe) and bring them up with our shared values.. i've got a passion to make this marriage work, maybe becos i've jeopardised my other relationships into oblivion and i've learned my hard-earned lessons..

being a dating single back then made me think and assess my life, about what i really want, finding my calling.. and for now (i say for now cos a gemini never says never), i know that my dream is to be a tai-tai (not just a plain old housewife, mind u) and do the things i love doing, i.e. travelling, shopping, having afternoon teas with other tai-tai frens, taking care of my family.. i sound so shallow right?

well to be fair to my educational background, i used to want to be a corporate climber.. to be a somebody in a high profile company. apart from wanting to fly to the States so badly, that's why i studied - to make lotsa money. but all that doesn't matter anymore.

so what does matter?

the things that matter to me now can't be quantified.. they're all qualified.

so whatever it is, it could mean nothing to u, but it means something to me...

ps: gypsie is playing by herself, panda went out pegi bersosial.. it's afternoon, time for cat nap (pun intended).

pps: A texted me last nite saying that "it's over" between him and M. i didn't know how to respond. jim told me to give words of consolation, but i actually didn't feel anything for him, not even sorry. he dug a grave long before anyone could warn him that he could fall into it himself.. i'm dreadfully sorry that things didn't work out for them, but they just weren't meant to be. takde jodoh. what else can i say?

dosa vs pahala

yesterday a fren called and asked me what is "pahala" in english (i get these questions a lot, they seem to think that i'm a walking dictionary). so when i thot about it, i actually don't know! if "dosa" is sin, then what is "pahala"?

next, i read a forwarded email this morning entitled "about cheese and saudara seagama". looking at this particular subject title made me wonder what the correlation of these 2 is. i read the 1st few paras and it was again another warning to not eat yet another food type cos it contains piggy insides. cheese contains this thing called "rennet", which is a thing from either a cow or a pig's intestines to freeze the cheese and keep its shape (like the square shapes in cheesedale/kraft cheese). so the argument is that how do we know that this rennet ingredient is even from a cow's intestines, if not from a pig's? and how do we know that if the cow had been slaughtered the muslim way and not just some auto-accident victim?

i SO want to be a good muslim. but it's getting harder when all the emails i open in my inbox look like junk! semuanya pakai email.. ingat semua orang check and read every single email that comes in kah? the message gets diluted the more u email the thing to. don't they realise that? plus, with all the hoaxes and junk mails and spams flying around, do we even think that this email with such a subject title could be a genuine message from God? honestly, the use of email to send out religious messages to me is over-commercialised and just doesn't jive, u know what i'm saying? cakap2 agama ni patutnya dekat masjid2 and surau2, di majlis2 agama, etc. not in cyberspace lahhh.. come on. kalau nak buat, buat betul2. memang lah nak kena ikut peredaran zaman and all that crap, but to me agama & emails just still don't gel.

pastu, everything oso cannot eat nowadays. abih tu nak makan apa? these are modern times lah, where got time to cook everyday? and there are plentiful of food to buy out there, plus dengan nafsu makan yang tak terkawal lagi, cemana nak control all this?? L.E.C.E.H.

obviously i didn't read the whole article all the way through.. there should be some explanation to the uncorrelated subject title that puzzled me just now.. and there should be a "moral of the story" at the end, which i'm too lazy to find out.

so back to the question of what is "pahala" in english, i still don't know. do i even care? i don't think so. i don't even look like i care about anything today except to think of a way to get out of this god-forsaken office and just laze about at home. i am coughing btw, so maybe i'll play that up and get an MC.

can i just feign ignorance about everything? it is so blissful there (ya, when i'm terribly sick and at the verge of death and God feigns ignorance on me, then only i'll realise huh! padan muka aku nanti).

i am bloated, irritable and tender everyfuckingwhere. no wonder i'm such a bitch. so i blame it all on my PMS.

why can't i do this simple thing????

i'm officially pissed off.

i've selected the "comments" setting to ON. and nothing's working.

what is WRONG with this thing?

firstly, not that i have visions of grandeur and think that many ppl are reading my blog and desperately dying to leave comments to my words, but some ppl have asked me why i don't have a comments button. and to humour them (mostly myself), i've been trying the whole afternoon to make that comments button appear. but it just won't.

i've tried everything. well, maybe not everything cos the damn button just won't come out like it's shy or smthg, so there must have been smthg that i didn't do. wtf is it then???

it's not rocket science. but somebody help me before i start to wage war on blogger!

*grrrrrr*

this is a riot!

Got this forwarded email on european car ads from my lover yesterday. cracks me up!

WELL SAID, MR. BENTLEY! :-D

so cool to have freedom of speech like this abroad. u think we can apply this in malaysia?

ya right.

i don't know who this person is...

how would u perceive me if u saw me for the 1st time, or after a long time? a happy-go-lucky person, easy to talk to, has a sense of humor (i think), few things to worry about...?

well, these things about me are quite true i must admit. but there's also the flip side of the coin that most ppl never get to see - the dark side: the unhappy me, the depressed me, the worried me, the PMS me, the whatever me, the fuck-off me, the angry me... whoa let's stop there. too many bad sides is not a good way of reassessing your life, right?

as u reach the end of your 20s, u start to wonder how u ever got there, what have u achieved so far that u can be proud of (career-wise or personal), what have u learned about yourself...

do u really know yourself...?

next year, the year of the Pig 2007, i'll be 30 years old (officially in June lah). but let's not be fussy about the months. in less than 2 months, i'll be 30. wow, such a big thing to swallow, let alone digest.

my wandering mind is at it again:

- other ppl have 2-3 kids by now, and i've only managed to get hitched less than 8+ months ago.
other ppl have also divorced by now, which is sometimes why i'm secretly glad that i got married later. others haven't even gotten married yet.. i hope they are a happy lot *not being sarky*.

- i used to have a libido the size of China, now where has it faded off to? but there are also ppl who are less fortunate than me in this dept, so i shouldn't be whining about it so much. nevertheless, i am quite worried about it.. too many things on my mind... the more i tell myself i shouldn't worry, the worse it gets.

- i used to be outgoing, loved to dance the night away, have fun with so many frens.. this is a distant memory to me now. i'm now a homebody who loves to play with cats and just lounge around the house, enjoying my own company. maybe i'll be the old woman next door who lives with 50 cats. yikes! *stop that thot*

- other ppl have travelled the world, either on their jobs or on their own.. where have i been to already? let's see..... the farthest is south africa (fun & a GREAT eye-opener); singapore (yawn); bangkok, thailand (double yawn); bali, indonesia (been twice & still wanting more); manila, the philippines (with the in-laws, go figure); and that's it. jim said he wants to bring me to australia, london, or the states - if we have the money.. (it's the thot that counts, dear, it's ok...). i should be thankful for this eh? other less fortunates can only dare to dream of going anywhere at all...

- been denied the privilege, or more precisely, the right, to study in the States, namely in USC, LA. i blame the govt for this (yes, until now) and i still feel my heart cringe whenever i think about it. i could've been a totally different person with a whole different lifestyle, different POV, different fate... now i'm just a bitter and sulky 30-year-old-to-be. about this anyway...

- career-wise, not so impressive. i started out as a practical trainee in 1999 at ACP Pte Ltd (Cleo magazine); moved on to Ogilvy PR in Feb 2000 - Aug 2001 (great times..); then on to HLA from Sept 2001 - Dec 2001 (boss from hell); March 2002 - Aug 2004 was at Alpha Platform (good times..); then jumped to Resonance for 5 months i guess (job from hell); next to Compumed for 8 or 11 months (so-so job, but that's when i met jim!); pastu off to MDK for a few months (found many good frens there who share the same language, mentality and interests); and now since Dec 2005, i've been hiding in Hyundai (feeling quite content for the time being). that's a total of 8 jobs man! on average, i change jobs once a year. my frens can hold on to their jobs for years, some are still at their 1st jobs! i wonder how they do it.. i'm just lucky to get stints easily, that's all.. takkan nak tolak rezeki kot? walid said, "a rolling stone gathers no moss". but i say, "jauh perjalanan, luas pemandangan" hehe (saja je, nak rebel ;)

- the amount of men that i've had in my life are also not smthg to shout about. but they did give me the experience to handle a broken heart better and better each time each of them break it. my conclusion about men: they're all clueless. women should just lead the world. but then there'd be PMS wars pulak. sigh.. nothing is perfect.

so what have i achieved so far? except for the marriage certificate, i think that's about it. i guess the certs that i got in school don't count. it hasn't got me that far pun anyway. at least, i can try and chart my growth (or old age) from now till i die with jim, if nothing bad happens to us, God forbid. that's smthg...

one thing for sure is that i do hold pride to the fact that walid and i have called it a truce more than a couple years ago after the 2-year cold war between us (caused by the fact that i moved out of the house without his consent). in those 2 dark years, i always had nightmares... i didn't like it. when i tried talking to him, he would pretend i'm not there.. i was very heartbroken then. but now we're back to normal, especially after i got married. i'm my daddy's little girl, can't help it lah.

so anyway, they say that with age comes wisdom (who's they anyway?). i think i've gathered some wisdom along the way, from my own experiences... i've got a lovely little group of frens who are my "support system" (u know who u are, grils :) and a good loving albeit eccentric family (from both mine and jim's sides). i have this special bond with my only sister, which i'm very grateful for. we don't admit it openly but we are actually best frens, in the true sense of the meaning. she's always been there for me and i hope i'm always there for her too.. so ya, i have become wiser *glad to realise it*.

of course as i've posted in previous blogs, i've also lost a few frens, smthg i'm totally not proud of and will regret my whole life.. if i want to put it in a positive light, it's like i've shed the bad seeds and now all that's left are the good ones.. but actually it's not. i still feel the emptiness that they've left me inside.

note: to frens whom i've lost touch with, i'm very sorry. i'm not the keep-in-touch kinda person if u don't keep in touch with me. it's nothing personal, it's just who i am... i'm not proud of it, but that's my explanation. so thanks to those who've loved me enuf to keep in touch. i really appreciate it.

well my point is (and i actually do have one - quote: ellen degeneres) that, who was that person 10-15 years ago? and who am i now?

i don't know who this person is yet, but i'm gonna look forward to discovering her...

ps: i don't wanna be like monalisa, trapped in a frozen enigma for eternity..

hullo world :)

so many postings in one day? u might ask. yes, my boss ain't around, i'm a free woman. these are dry times, people. i'm bored. so writing and/or reading keeps my mind occupied.

my point in this post is that i've recently found the courage to share my online diary aka blog with you people who are reading this right now. i've (hopefully) edited some very explicit sex stories (haaa u wish!), and the names in here are either the originals or initialised, so as not to impinge on their privacy pulak kan. i like to not change the names of subjects so as to keep the oriniganility of my life stories intact.

by saying "my life stories", (and as emphasized in my disclaimer) these jottings are totally personal to me, from my side of the story, in my own interpretation, of things that happen in my daily life. u have no way to judge me by just reading my blog, the person might be more interesting than her writings! or the other way around, depending on how u see things.

on a different matter, i do not judge people from their first impressions. i know i'm going against the grain with many sayings like "first impressions matter most!", but i don't do that. first impressions often give u hints about a person, but they don't reveal everything all at once (org gila je yang reveal everything abt one's self in one seating). i always try my best to get to know a person first - talk to them, see how they react to things i say, etc - then only i will make a simple conclusion on him/her just to please myself. so where i'm getting at is, maybe u guys out there should also practise the same thing with me, if u don't already know me lah. yang dah kenal aku donkey years tu, maybe my personal jots will make u understand me more.

enjoy the posts!

ps: love me, hate me... either way i know u envy me hihi

wandering thots

found some old pieces of paper on my nightstand last nite. on it are some jottings i made, some personal observations/thots/experiences and some quotes which i picked up.. sharing some with the world here :)

- a smile after every sentence

- making fun jokes about frens and laughing together out loud, esp. among close frens who know inside out abt each other

- having 2-hour lunches with frens on a working day, talking abt everything and nothing

- shopping for cheap goods with close frens

- having sleepovers and have nothing to do, no stress whatsoever

- going on a road trip with close frens

- sit outside the house and wathcing the full moon in silence

for every minute you are angry, you lose sixty seconds of happiness - quote

miracles sometimes occur, but one has to work terribly hard at them - quote

the days are too short for even love; how can there be enough time for quarreling? - quote

that's the best - to laugh with someone because you think the same things are funny - quote

fear less, hope more. whine less, breathe more. talk less, say more. hate less, love more - quote

first keep the peace within yourself, then you can also bring peace to others - quote

when angry, count ten before you speak; if very angry, a hundred - quote

things that matter most should not be at the mercy of things that matter least - quote

when people talk, listen completely. most people never listen - quote

aren't they quite the true?

ps: close frens in this context are: Aje, Jjay, Fara, Merci, Ann - we had some good times growing up, didn't we? hope we grow old together the same way =)

new addition to the family - Miss Gypsie the Squash Face

she's a calico (tri-colour in layman) and she's an exotic shorthair. wanted to name her Egypt at first, cos to me Egypt is so exotic right, but jim said it sounded funny-strange (my hubby here has no creativity in his bones whatsoever, engineer la sangat) so the twist is to put smthg cute at the end of the name, hence Gypsie :)

she's a ball of fur, scared out of her wits right now at being brought into a new home. i'm doing so much reading on cat behavior from the net this morning, trying to understand her initial timidity and hopefully i can also understand panda the manda's behavior along the way.

our Gypsie gurl :)

daddy & Gypsie :)

she's 7 months old but still very small in size. one cat book said that exotic shorthairs mature only at 3 years old. hope she lives longer than that with us!

welcome Gypsie gurl, u'll love your new home sooner that u think! :)

o ya, after the much hoo-haa over adoptin vs buying a cat with jim last week, i had to cave in lah with Gypsie. we got her at RM550 (yikes!) i know i know... so much money for smthg that has no warranty kan. but then jim is also getting me a diamond necklace so it's like a package lah, "kitten comes with diamonds" haha. i got my cake and i'm eating it too! woohoo! daddy better keep his promise, or else (harumph).

i so want to adopt another baby

panda is really annoying after we've lost looney last month. i think he's so lonely that he pesters us to hold him and pet him all the time! he's now resting quietly on my lap while i'm posting this, heaving a huge sigh of relief (like a human), like he's SO happy to see me come back home from work and that there's somebody who can take care of him now. yeessh, so terrible i tell u (but secretly, i actually love the attention he's giving me hehe)

panda (right) & looney in happier times

so anyway, yesterday i had a fight with jim about adopting another cat to give panda some company. i found this cute little black ball of fur at the office (about a month old i think) and i asked him if i could bring the kitty back. he adamantly said NO cos he said that he wants to BUY a pure breed (british shorthair). personally, forking out so much money for a cat is not my idea of being a smart person. a cat, either adopted at rm50 or bought at rm1000, can simply get infected with a terminal disease (like what happened to looney) and die. if the cat cost u rm50, it wouldn't be so bad lah, but if it was rm1000, wouldn't that make your heart skip a beat? it would mine! i mean, i know we don't wish or hope for our pets to get sick and die, but it could happen right?

so whatever, jimmy pujuk me this morning by telling me to surf www.kitten.com.my and check out the offers there.. i went and saw many lovely cats and kittens up for adoption, some at a price, some FOC. i tak kisah if we were to get another kucing pariah like si panda ni (panda's a cross-persian la konon, or in more technical words, he's a domestic semi-long hair (DSLH)). aku ni sedap je ngutuk my own baby on my lap ni hihi like la he understands anyway.

conclusion is: pure breeds to me are high maintenance. i want a siamese with blue eyes. can someone recommend me where to get one? one at m-i-n-i-m-a-l cost.

oh jim's home, we're going out to dinner. esok both of us are on leave to take the iswara to puspakom. maybe we'll catch a show, i want to watch "the departed" lah. heidey said it's good.

panda sitting happily at my feet in the car, coming back from JB lepas raya

checking out the scene from daddy's lap

ho hum

i want to write about smthg smart, but i can't find anything at all to write about! writer's block. blog/block. sounds similar but a lethal combo.

*****

well anyway, have u seen jessica simpson's latest song called "i belong to me"? wow the video is very simple yet very emotionally powerful.. in it u will see that she's very depressed about her breakup/divorce with nick lachey and she expressed herself really well. plus, she's become very beautiful (not the slutty image) in this video. and the song is sedap!

lyrics:

I belong to me...
It's not that I don't wanna share my life with you baby
It's just that I'm the one I need to be true to baby
And I won't give up me to be part of you
It's not that I don't wanna have you in my life baby
It's just you gotta know that it's got to be right baby
Before I open up my heart to you
I don't need somebody to complete me

I complete myself
Nobody's got to belong to somebody else

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me

I gotta let you know before I let you in, baby
That who I am is not about who I am with, baby
That don't mean I don't wanna be here with you I do
I don't need somebody to complete me
I want you to know
I'll give up my love but I'm not giving up my soul

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you're gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me

Oh yea Love don't mean changing who you are to be
Who somebody wants you to be
Nobody's got to belong to nobody

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection

I belong to me
I don't belong to you
My heart is my possession
I'll be my own reflection
I belong to me
I'm one not half of two
And if you gonna love me
You should know this baby
I belong to me

strong words eh? and they make sense (coming from a much-publicised bimbo)! although i kinda disagree with her (i.e. i feel that i do belong to somebody and that i am a half of two - i'm a gemini for crying out loud, give me a break), but the words are meant for weak ppl to stand up on their own 2 feet, for them to be themselves even when they're in a r'ship, yada yada... good work jess!

how? do i look like her? haha

i rock =)

oh ya, my nasi beriyani came out fabulously 2 nites ago, thanks to perencah nasi beriyani maggi and my sweat haha. plus, jamie oliver's chocoloate mousse recipe which i got from his tv show came out like the ones they sell at the hotels! jim better love me more for my super efforts ok :P
kakcik went back home from work yesterday with much zest at wanting to make the same nasi beriyani i made. she called me at 7.45pm crying that hers was mentah HAHA! i calmed her down, told her what i did the nite before that made my nasi perfect for dining, she didn't calm down and continued to freak out. i called her again at 9.15pm and they still haven't eaten dinner. adam fell asleep while waiting for so long, ayen had a mouthful of the rice and said it's "sedap" (babies can't be trusted ;), amin went out and kakcik said she didn't feel hungry anymore and only wanted to eat when amin comes back. hehehee so farneeeee :D

to think that i, miss won't-lift-a-finger-to-do-any-housework-or-cooking, can cook a whole meal without breaking so much sweat and am doing a lot around the house these days, is a mind-boggler.. the wonders of marriage eh?

umi terkejut nak mampuih after hearing that i cooked such a dish.

hey, my nasi beriyani & choc mousse can ajak ppl come to the house and serve one u know! ter-rer!

*happy*

esok hari raya, esok hari rayaaa!

well, it's 10 to 10pm and the nasi beriyani endeavour was cancelled, or rather, postponed. he said he didnt want to have anything too heavy. the rain poured very heavily on his way back, riding his cute lil scooter, and he was drenched when he reached home so i, altho a bit peeved off for having denied the pleasure of cooking once again, took pity on my drenched "cat" and just gave in.

so anyway, back to happier stories of my life - i want to share some photos of our first married raya in ampang (23 - 25 Oct 2006):


main bunga api on raya eve with the kids


another bunga api scene, ayen in the smokey background


our matching baju rayas


nak salam ke tanak ni?


bestnya ada (legal) other half masa raya..


tangkap gambor dulu b4 departing for JB on 2nd day raya


my complete raya family photo



our first raya in ampang together was happy for me but i dono about him.. i really hope he was happy too.. i know it was quite sad for him to celebrate 1st day of raya at my side but i hope we will practice this ampang-JB raya every year! hehe

of depression and nasi beriyani

i woke up feeling happy at first.. i realised it was a monday and i just wanted to shake the "monday blues" off of me so i slid on top of my lover who's serenely sleeping and hugging me and we did the dirty so that our monday wouldnt be so bad. i thot the day was gonna be super.

but the opposite happened.

now i feel like diana's cat here - exposed and vulnerable.

i went to work as usual but the moment i stepped out of my car, i felt this sudden wave of depression envelope me like nothing i've ever felt before.. i mean, i've been depressed but never in such a drastic way.

my morning was spent at my desk, VERY quietly, reading the e-newspaper, checking some emails, and reading malaysian celebs' blogs - sazzy falak (yawn) and daphne iking's (an absolute good read! i can imagine how she is as a person and she is the kind of person whom i can be frens with if we ever had the chance to). been wanting to write on my blog since the last posting for so long but never had the inspiration to..

still felt depressed right up to lunch. then i went to the clinic to get some well-needed meds - ventolin for my asthma and some other stuff. panda's been very annoying and clingy and been sleeping on the bed more and more nowadays, so his fur is all over our sheets! and mama has this chronic disability to do any kind of housework with a willing and open heart - it always ends up bad whenever i try to sweep or dust the house, i will end up being sniffy and angry. so the only solution to this is to take more and more meds to prevent the sicknesses. sigh, me and my pills. i swear if ppl didnt know me better, they'd say i was a junkie!

had mackers for lunch (my fave beef & egg booger) and of course some coke light to quench the thirst. went back home, played with mr. emo himself for a bit and then left for office again. i started to feel a little bit better after that.

back at the office, continued reading daphne iking's blog and then had a little chat session with eric on my to-do list, went back to my place, continued reading DI's blog (omg i'm such a blogoholic).. frankly, i felt much better after talking to eric actually.. never knew he could make me feel "better" in any circumstances before.. but i guess he had his guards down today and he did tell me he felt sleepy so we had a couple of laughs to perk both of us up so we can carry on with our lives.

i only started on this post at 5pm and that's been the ONLY achievement i had at work the whole day. i'm a terrible worker. that's why i keep telling jim that he's got to get rich somehow, someway cos all i wanna do is be a tai-tai and take care of our darling mini-mes.

so now it's 5.48pm and i feel much better than this morning. glad i didnt tell jim how i felt and made him worry unnecessarily. phew! now i'm packing up to go home and attempt at making some nasi beriyani (wow how brave u are, miss halfway!) and some fried vege. we'll see how it comes out!

on a different matter, i am nowadays feeling worried for myself. i've been burning bridges all over town (not on purpose!) and losing frens like the durians dropping from the trees during season. i should know better that frens are my lifeline, they are my livelihood (apart from my better half) and they are my sanity. i dono why i am following my heart more and more these days and blabbing out things that i am now regretting.. maybe cos of my phenomenally erratic hormones (but i cant be putting blame on that solely without faulting myself for even a lil bit, right?). so now, i'm worried about my relationships with (1) A and (2) A. i dono what i did to no.1. and as for no. 2, i know what i did to him, but i dono when i should start talking to him to make it better.

note: having a big mouth will definitely get u somewhere - in the dumps in your frens' books!!