...and the depression sets in

one day i'm fine, the next i'm a shipwreck.

for the life of me, i do not know why do i keep jeopardising my own lovelife with my own short-temperedness. i could've controlled the situation, but i didnt.

it's been a long time since we had a fight... and this morning we had one. i was shouting at the top of my lungs in the car with the air-conditioning running but i didnt feel it cooling me down at all. all i became was more and more aggravated.

this is the normal scenario when a fight happens, only difference is the location. i'm fed-up of myself, and also of him for making me feel so useless, so unimportant... so UNIMPORTANT!! i'm the wife for crying out loud. but i still don't know him, don't know how he became to be the person he is today, don't know what milestones shaped him to be what he is now, etc etc... and i hate that feeling of being in the unknown!!! i want him to share his life with me freely. but the stereotype that he has in his mind of me being an "angry person" is carved in stone.. i can't change that no matter how nice i become. he'll always remember me as "the angry person". AND I FUCKING HATE THAT!!!

i cry, i feel guilt, i feel like apologising but that would only look like i'm admitting defeat. or is that just my ego? i feel sad for having this fight, i feel so many things! i feel like running away..

i want to escape from all this internal madness...