fighting fish

today is a very weepy Monday for me... but i should not be consumed by this overwhelming emotion and let it take control of my being.. i should be stronger and take charge.. and so begins my short story..

many things have happened to me since the last blog. but the one that made the biggest impression on me was the revelation that someone in my life was unhappy with me... that really hit homerun.

i never realised the things i do would affect someone so deeply, almost just as much as what that person does to me. i guess i was wrong in thinking that i am the victim and i should take this holy time of Ramadhan to repent my mistakes and correct them.

it's funny how u become oblivious to other ppl's reactions and feelings when u are totally absorbed in your own emotions, your own thoughts, your own little world.. and it's funny how u can take your best loved one for granted as easily as blinking your eyes...

i realise that explaining myself is not always the best solution to a problem.. i realise that saying sorry and understanding why i am saying it is the best solution. pride plays no role or have any importance in your life when u are dealing with matters of the heart...

i can only strive to stick to what i'm writing now, but i want to look deeper in my soul and see the world from other ppl's eyes.. i would like to start being selfless in any way i can.. i would also like to start making time for others and make them happy with my mere presence, especially my family.. it's amazing how families love u just as much as u were still a child..

but that's not my point in this post. my point is that i should get out of this victim syndrome disease i'm in and start living a normal life, one that will not hurt this person i love most in my life anymore..

so little fighting fish, please leave me and let me be.. because i cannot imagine my life without him...

finding the silvers

despite the cloudy outlook, always look for the silver lining..

i got another job offer last week from Auntie to work in OPR (again) but i guess i'm going to turn it down. i don't want and don't need the late nights anymore i guess at this age. other things are more important to me now like developing a family and nurturing the love between other-halves and families.. with work in the way, those things can never happen. (plus, bonuses and increments in the agency world are very competitive, and i'm so not the competitive type.)

another silver came from Eric this morning. he handed me a letter which i impatiently tore open only to reveal my annual bonus allocation! yay!! i immediately called the love of my life and told him the good news. i've planned to shop for office clothes with this money, treat myself and mr. lover to a couple's spa and keep the rest in a vault to realise our little family plan next year. i haven't received a bonus in 3 years and this one is actually quite unexpected.

and most importantly, all of us still have our health, wealth of love from each other, sane minds, enough food to eat, our secure jobs, and live in a country where it's safe, albeit having an almost crazy government, without any wars.

just think: everything's not so bad after all.

when it rains, it pours (gold) =)

i just realised that i lead quite a charmed life. nothing catasthropic, nothing death-defying.. just an easy life. and i count my blessings everyday.

just yesterday as i was minding my own business, i received a call on my mobile. on the other line was this timid malay girl who introduced herself as Nurul from Petronas. straight to the point she was and asked me when did i come for an interview with them. i was quite perplexed and said that it was 2 years ago! she said, "oh dah 2 years eh.. kita nak offer u keja ni, u nak accept tak?" i was again perplexed to the point of bewilderment and also annoyance cos she didn't even say what the job was and what's the package like etc etc. so naturally i asked her, what job is it and more importantly how much are they offering. she being a simpleton answered, "oh keja tu marketing and pasal how much tu management yang decide". i was like what the fuck oredi in my heart, nak offer orang keja tapi tanak cakap the details.. how la ppl want to decide anything? then i stressed to her that if i were to make a move, the deciding factor would be the money lah and if it's less than what i'm getting here, then there's no question anymore. she repeated herself saying that it's the management's decision yada2 and added that maybe it's less. so i prompted her, "is it around 3 plus?", she said maybe. at the end she said that i should think about it first and call her back or smthg and i agreed.

but the thing that annoys me is that what am i supposed to think about if there were no details given to me at all other than the company name? (i.e. Petronas Mitco) so i made my own rough research on the very helpful google and found out that this company deals in plastics and resins whatnot.. i didn't really understand it so i left it at that. but wow, petronas hor... :S

so back at home, i told jim and he said TAKE IT. but the thing is, i'm happy where i am now! of course i have my little complaints but that's about it. nothing major..

my life plans will definitely be affected if i entertain this moving job idea. what is my life plan u ask? well, i was planning to take a masters degree in english so that i could change my career to lecturing. by the time i have my first baby, i'd like to start lecturing already becos this profession has the perk of flexi-hours, which is what i'm looking for in order for me to lead a good family life. i know that having this time flexibility benefit does not ensure happiness in the home front, but i guess it's a very big factor. i don't want to not be around for my kid(s) with this 9-5 job i'm keeping. i want to be a good mother and i suppose being a good mother entails for me to be there for the special moments and the rest of the time - not the maid! she can do all the dirty work hehe

but....... i just want to know what this petronas ppl have to offer me so that i won't feel terkilan later on in life over the what-ifs. let me just explore my options and re-think my life strategies.. never say never!

pastu, this morning pulak suddenly my boss called me in his office and disclosed to me that our company is going to acquire another major automotive giant and merge with them, which means more work and hopefully higher job security. it's like he had a hunch that someone called me to pull me over to their company. haha. he was kind of convincing me that there'll be more exciting things to do and my position may just be the envy of many.

macam2 la pulak offer aku dapat sekarang ni....

so how do i make a decision now? i can't and i won't. i'll just have to wait for the Nurul girl - whom i called twice today and wasn't at her place both times *harumph* - to call me back and fix for an appointment or smthg.

ppl say "hujan emas di negeri orang, hujan batu di negeri sendiri, lebih baik di negeri sendiri" kan? well lemme fix this peribahasa sikit - "memang hujan emas turun di negeri orang, hujan emas yang turun di rumah sendiri pula harus disyukuri"..

count your blessings everyday! :)

wtf?

yesterday i received this funny email, a forwarded joke la. i thot it was hilarious so i shared it with the ppl whom i thought would appreciate the joke as well. i turned out to be wrong.

below is the email debate between me and this ol' fren on mine who's lost his sense of humor somewhere between his travels to hongkong, indonesia, USA, etc. i presume that his work has consumed the person that i knew some 6-7 years ago and now all that's left is this humorless, boring, by-the-book, no-balls person. such a turn-off!
___________________________________________________________________

My 1st email

Wahahahahaa!! Farnee farneeee

Bak kata artis mana tah (Ella or Siti herself) – ENJOYS! (or the longer version – “are you all enjoys?”) haahaa


Cheers

Zeeda Yazid
Hyundai-Sime Darby Motors Sdn Bhd

Scenario berbeza sekiranya CT berkawin dengan orang lain. Apakah nama anak perempuan mereka nanti?
1) kalau kawin dgn org Jepun, mereka akn namakan anaknya HONDA SITI
2) kalau Kawin dengan orang media, anaknya nanti bersama PUBLI SITI
3) Kalau kawin dengan developer, anaknya nanti bernama SITI SQUARE
4) Kalau dapat anak kembar, dua2 nanti namanya TWIN SITI
5) Kalau kawin dgn professor, anknya nnti dinamakan UNIVER SITI
6) Kalau kawin dgn pelakon filem Cathay Keris tahun 60an, nama anaknya nnt ialah SITI TANJUNG PAHANG
7) Kalau kawin dengan Menteri Pelancongan, nama anaknya nnt ialah SITI SITI MALAYSIA
8) Kalau kawin dgn Pak Lah, anaknya akan bersama SITI ENDON KHAIRY
9) Kalau kawin dengan Tun Mahathir, anaknya nanti bernama SITI HASMAH BARU
10) Kalau kawin dgn org TNB, anaknya nanti bernama ELEKTRIK SITI

His reply

I'm sorry but I have to send this to all. Just my two-cents of thoughts.

Why do we poke fun at those who are not well-versed of English (remember Siti's speech at MTV?) , and at the same time, we severely assaulted Sharifah Amani for saying "I sound stupid speaking in Malay?"

Not defending of any celebrities, nor protesting against your writing Zeeda, but why do Malays (I assume all in the mailing list are) like such kind of humor?

Hehehe.

Be cool Zeeda. :-)

My reply

Hi bro.. maybe u’re the one who should Be cool Hizam hehe ; )

Firstly, it’s just a joke la wei.. secondly, we make fun of these ppl becos they have tons of money from their entertaining stints and yet they never take the initiative to go and get proper education or tutoring or any lessons in the most important fundamental in the world if u wanna be an internationally-known figure i.e. speaking proper English. Nak kawin buleh pulak belanja 12 juta (or so I heard)? Doesn’t make sense to me why they can’t make the time to learn smthg so important as having a decent conversation with ppl or just simply saying smthg in English without embarrassing themselves to the world. To me personally, reason for this is ini dasar melayu malas ataupun malu. Itu je. Org melayu kan suka malu-malu ni - lagi malu, lagi bagus. Ppl who have an opinion are said to be rude, and as usual disliked (even marina mahathir experiences them). Kalau ye pun nak malu, bertempat la sikit. Lagi malu when they publicly humiliate themselves with kindergarten-like structured words that make ppl cringe and/or laugh behind their backs. Naivety is no longer in. get over it.

At least Amber Chia took some english lessons when she realized that she was gonna be in the public eye. Pats on the back for her.

That’s my 2 cents. Sekian terima kasih.

Have a super day everyone, and take it easy :)

His next reply

You fascinate me always. Haha.

But isn't CT the business-minded woman she is? The 12 million investment she made has garnered more from airtime rights, merchandising, brand endorsement, and even ringtones? Orang melayu tu. Orang melayu yang malu-malu lagi. :-)

Hehehe.

My next reply

Thanks for the fascination :)

As my fren who silently supports me in her personal emails, all the more reason for your darling siti to go and get this English issue out of the way by at least learning it. Dia malu2 tu I have no doubt is becos of her good upbringing. And her business-mindedness is fabulous, I agree. But like I said, takyah la nak malu tak kena tempat. Duit juta2 tu won’t give her the thing that she desperately needs unless she uses it to pay someone to teach her. Then maybe ppl (international ppl, mind u) wud respect her totally as a person, not just for her money. Setakat org melayu je nak respect dia tu normal lah. kita kan mudah leka and suka “respect” org kaya2 ni, perhaps hoping that the wealth will rub off on us kot.. I don’t understand this culture.

We who know u, knows that u love siti la bro. HAHAHA.


Cheers

Zeeda Yazid
Hyundai-Sime Darby Motors Sdn Bhd

His lame reply to this

Dan orang melayu cepat melatah kalau disentuh. Hehehe.

My other email to his reply

Oh ya and by the way, Sharifah Amani is only how old - 19? 20? Her exposure to the media is still so very very setahun jagung mah. And u being a PR practitioner should know very well that she said that becos she has (1) very little experience and (2) she obviously lacks the proper PR skills, hence needs coaching. The rest of the world are not PR practitioners so they are angry and “severely punish” her for the things they themselves are not educated in. We who know better, should analyze the situation from a more intellectual standpoint – don’t become a sheep that just follows the herd.

Rileks k :)

His other lame reply

Hehehe.... rileks le sister.
_______________________________________________________________

so wtf?

First of all, if u read closely, his english isn't all that anyway. so maybe he's defending his own kind kot. then, if he wanted to air his opinion on such a matter, he should've had some substance to back up his rebuttal lah.. when he brought it on (ie the topic) aku apa lagi, i just couldn't resist the golden opportunity that he's put in front of me to give my personal opinion on the "melayu" issue. and that's just part of my opinion. ada lagi. but all that's for another day.

in the end, his effort backfired. and i think i represent many of us when i verbalised those things.

kudos pour moi! :) (trans: kudos for me!)

penatnya!

my wkend was so WASTED. dah la next saturday i have to work the whole day - sobssss. i didn't even say goodbye to the outlaws this morning.. i just couldn't give a damn. they left my house in a state of chaos when i finally went down to go to work. and my braindead husband took both the house keys with him. i had to leave using the backyard gate. nasib baik i didn't have to panjat pagar ok! eeee what a way to start a monday *grrrr*

anyhow.. yesterday the wasting was mostly done at their relative's house. this house is a mansion, but to describe it as a mansion doesn't do it enough justice. i was just happy enough to be able to step into a RM15mil (yikes!) structure where this family call home. i was awestruck and even if i describe the place here, nothing could prepare u if u saw it in person. suffice to say, u just have to imagine that it's built by the beautiful lake in Tropicana Golf Club and if u didn't know any better, u might think that u just checked-in at the Burj al-Arab.

ok just came back from a long meeting for my event this saturday. up to my eyeballs lah now.

spillings of the gut

1. weekends

i love my weekends.. to death. i love to sleep in and just lie on the bed ALL day. but after i got married, i can't do that anymore. when i was solo, i could just wake up anytime i wanted and sleep again, only getting up for food and nature callings... sigh.. how my life has changed. those times are extinct..

2. In-laws

as a follow up to no. 1, they're in town and staying over for 2 nights - yes, over the weekend. need i say more.

3. matchmakings

why do ppl automatically think that i can simply whip up a man or a woman for their single frens or for themselves? why do they think that i, zeeda yazid, can match them with their soulmates? the first time i matchmade, it was a joint effort between me and azrul.. so the couple made it to the altar bla3... they live not so happily ever after now but that's besides the point. the last time i tried dabbling in matchmaking again, the guy ended up marrying me! ironic huh. i was what the malays call the "pagar" (in the "harapkan pagar, pagar makan padi" idiom - but i couldn't help it ok, the stars were aligned for him and me, not him and the girl - case closed).

to be honest, i like matchmaking ppl.. but it's not easy ok. how i wish that all the girlfrens/guyfrens i have are magically suitable for the single souls that ask me to find a partner for them. i get so many requests, it's not funny. i'd like to see all these ppl happy having partners and getting on with their lives but it's not my responsibility now, is it... i'm just amazed that ppl think i have a mark on my forehead that says "matchmaker" *sarky*

4. simplycomplicated

geminians are popularly known for their dual-personality characteristic.. if there was a zodiac dictionary, the photo next to gemini would be mine. i am simple and complicated all at the same time. i say and, instead of yet, becos i am both at the same time. my mind is a horse racecourse and i don't have an off switch to shut all this madness. i think about so many things all at once, there's no concentration or specialisation for anything. no wonder i can multitask beautifully ;) i worry about myself sometimes.

next to the photo under gemini in the special zodiac dictionary would be: "an oxymoron - if one can say it any better".

5. what is WRONG with me?

why don't i miss my family? why don't i miss my sister that i love to bits? why don't i miss my mom or dad or my favourite nephews? eversince i got married, silently i let out a sigh of relief cos i've successfully moved out of my childhood house. in my head, i keep thinking "good riddance". so what the fuck is wrong with me? i know i love my family, but i think i love the little family that jim and i have made even more. see how simple the explanation is and how complicated i can feel over it, all at once? i want to miss them, i want to be a good daughter and sister, one who calls them up every couple of days to ask them how they are etc etc.. but i don't. even when they tell me they miss me, i don't feel the same. nevertheless, the duty of a daughter and sister, i still play. i go back to visit ampang on some weekends and i call my sister every few days...

i hope this phase in my life won't last. i don't wanna turn into a stone like si tanggang, man. maybe when i get kids, i'll feel differently. but for now, i'll just enjoy this newfound freedom with jim and suck it all in.

6. speaking of kids...

it's the people's culture to ask newlyweds "bila nak dapat anak?". just last nite, someone asked. and the standard PR reply we'd give is "next year, sekarang tengah honeymoon lagi". i am also guilty of this bad habit (of asking newlyweds "bila nak dpt anak") but sometimes i just have verbal diarrhea and words just spill out of my mouth before i could stop it. please shoot me the next time i do this ok.

and the question doesn't just end there. it evolves, i tell u.

to newlyweds: "bila nak dapat anak?". old ppl will ask this even on your wedding night. just to be polite and sarky at the same time, newlyweds should answer with "ni nak pegi buat anak lah ni, nek!" - even during hot afternoons.

to first-kid couples: "bila nak dapat yang second?" - even when u're on the labour bed. your reply should be "AARRGHHH i just GOT a baby can't u see? and do YOU want to go thru the pain for me again? go ahead, i'll give u the pleasure. u dumbass. next time just shower me with presents, tell me i look simply divine even after giving birth, tell me my baby is a picture perfect one and buzz off".

7. other types of SILLY questions i hate:

when u're about to shove a handful of food into your mouth - "makan ke?"

when u sent out a mass email (free advertising) about selling your car - "eh nak jual keta ke?"

when u're at the florist - "nak beli bunga?"

when u're carrying your handbag and walking out the office with your sunnies on your head (takkan nak pakai sunnies kat dalam office kot) - "nak keluar ke?"

get my point?

DUH.

walking the cats & mushrooms in our garden

my cats. they are adorable creatures, panda & looney. each with its own personality. panda's loud, emotional and much the socialite while looney is a lil bit crazy at times but mostly he's quiet, cool and loves to be pampered. panda is the leader and looney just follows panda's tail everywhere.. even when panda plays with him a bit too roughly until his fur falls off, he still loves panda. they lick each other when they're nice and they sleep under the covers with me and jimmy..

well my point with the title is - we walk our cats like other ppl walk their dogs! the cats love it and we love it too. it gives us something to look forward to, me and jim just walking our cats hand in hand in our peaceful neighbourhood.. i just love the feeling.. : )

and this morning, we discovered some white mushrooms in our garden. the kind that i usually cook with my veges. lovely lovely! jim said it signifies prosperity.. he said we can eat 'em but i'm a sceptic. maybe i'll harvest some of them and examine if they can really be eaten.. hmm.. if they can, it'd save me trips to the supermarket! ; D

he took me home...

I had a good life
Before you came
I had my friends and my freedom
I had my name
Still there was sorrow and emptiness
'Til you made me glad
Oh, in this love I found strength I never knew I had

And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand, love
I'm taking you home
Taking you home

There were days, lonely days
When the world, wouldn't throw me a crumb
But I kept on believing
That this day would come

And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand love
I'm taking you home
I'm taking you, home

Where we can be with the ones who really care
Home, where we can grow together
Keep you in my heart forever

And this love
Is like nothing I have ever known
Take my hand love
I'm taking you home
I'm taking you, home

title: he took me home i.e. he was true enough and married me lar.. understoon? not like the others who were just in it for the ride..

freezing the memories

*the previous post has been taken out due to the audience's negative emotional reactions and is replaced with this.

13 feb 07

dear anonymous,

u want scandal? i'll give u scandal.

there's always 2 sides to a story. why don't u go and ask my husband yourself if the story is true or not? i'm not changing my story because that is what really happened. the story is of course told differently from X's side because she got the axe and i didn't, so naturally her story would be of anger, sadness and betrayal whereas mine would be a story of joy and happiness, which are MY truths. HER truth would be as i said earlier - anger and maybe a little bit of vengeance as well.

did i tweak the story? NO because as i said, i'm telling it from MY side of the tale, not hers. again i reiterate, her version would be totally different than mine because of the fact that we both experienced the opposite extremes of the emotional scale. so how can u put a verdict on me that i was wrong? have u spoken to all the parties involved in this story, especially the MAN who was supposedly the prize of this tug of war? after u listen to him, then maybe u'll feel sorry for writing this comment to me.

if my memory still serves me well, X and i don't have that many mutual frens. so i can actually try to deduce who u are, but i shan't cos i think it's a waste of my time and effort. but if my guess is right, u haven't spoken to me for the longest time and i don't even know if u are still my fren or not but i'm sure that u are still frens with X. what i'm saying is that your judgement on me is very biased - u are totally on X's side without even hearing my side of the story IN PERSON. if u were really my "fren" as u said u were, u would have stayed in touch with me, listened to my side of the story and not make any biased judgements based on an old blog entry that U DUG UP. this was written so long ago lah, didn't u see the date on this entry? why only now? and we've also been married for almost a year now. so i ask u in return, what is your point for writing this comment to me? to prove that i'm in denial? to prove that i'm the wrong party? to prove that i'm the bad guy and X has been right all along? so what are you trying to achieve, miss anonymous?? what do u want from me? i thot X and i have settled this a long time ago between us? or did she pretend to act chummy with me after all this happened even if she felt otherwise? why pretend? i know I wouldn't pretend if i didn't like someone..

i quote: You published the whole story about how you get to know your husband... Zeeda how evil could you be to a friend...How could u even do that?...Tuhan tu maha adil zeeda, just remember that...Dosa mengfitnah orang its promised to hell... - unquote. please explain on what u mean by "how could u even do that?". how could i even do WHAT? talk about how i met my husband? i don't understand what is so wrong with that. this is my blog, isn't it? and by talking about how i met my husband, that means i fitnah someone? i don't get it. please elaborate.

did i betray X? well, i knew that she liked jimmy from the moment she met him because she told me and a couple of frens as well that she did (at that place on jln sultan ismail that we went to after we had dinner at chillies). did i know that jimmy liked me? i didn't. did i like jimmy myself? yes i did. but i didn't pursue him because (1) i had a bf then, and (2) i've already introduced him to X. but my role went as far as the introduction and organising the gatherings only. what goes on between jimmy and X, i had no say because that's where i draw the line, i cannot force anyone to like another person, i am not God.

the fact that jimmy liked me was totally beyond my control, as i said, i am not God. can u say that i stabbed X in the back for jimmy liking me? please give an answer to this.

can u say that i hurt X for allegedly "taking" the man that she liked? ok yes i am somewhat guilty in this because there is an unwritten rule that says a girlfren should not take the man that her girlfren has an interest in. i know i could've said no to jimmy to protect my relationship with X but to deny myself a relationship with the guy whose made his feelings apparent to me would be foolish, don't u think? after all, our feelings for each other were totally mutual. but the fact remains that i never snatched jimmy from her because they were never an item! i didn't snatch him from anything he didn't want to be snatched from, do.u.understand? he was single, free to make his own choices. he made the move on me, not vice versa. comprende? he asked me out, not me.

since jimmy made it crystal clear to me (and a couple of frens as well) that he only thot of X as a fren and nothing more than that, i thot that X should realise that this is not going to work out in her favour between her and jimmy. he made his choice and u can't blame me for that.

do i wish that things would have happened differently? yes of course i do. i always wish that i had never introduced X to jimmy so that all these things would never have happened. but the fact that it did happen the way it did will never erase the truths - that X and jimmy would never be together and that jimmy liked me right from the beginning, without my knowledge. i also wish that my relationship with X could've been better under differing circumstances. and everyday i do dream that things should've been done and handled differently.

anyway, thanks for commenting as an anonymous. if u were really a fren like u said u were, u'd not have disguised yourself like u said i did - i quote: Nothing worse than an enemy disguised as a fren.. - unquote. after all, i'm just a disgusting human being to u kan. and thanks for the advice - i quote: Well married the man of your dream is another story, marriage life is another, going through the up and down is another....doesnt mean you married you already have a complete life, there is more to come my friend...banyak dugaan kat dunia ni ... - unquote.

i DO know that marrying him is not the completion of my life, it is only the beginning actually. dugaan memang la banyak kat dunia ni. i've gone through so many myself, heck i think i'm the queen of misfortunes so u don't have to remind me that there's so many tribulations in this world. one of my dugaans at this particlular moment is you. and i'm handling it the way i handle things - my way.

and don't u think that karma will work its magic on u as well? what goes around comes back around is damn right! nanti one day fitnah will happen if not on u, then on your family.. you tu yang sesuka hati memfitnah orang konon2 "betraying" a fren for a man membuta tuli. without hearing both sides of the story in full, u fitnah i betray X? benda ni dah settle la beb. get your facts straight first, then only say anything. in your own words: Dosa mengfitnah orang its promised to hell. so i definitely know where u're going, eh.

patutlah u tak keja as a hakim, memang u make your decisions based on your emotions, not facts, habislah semua orang u masukkan dalam jail because u had PMS, gila ke apa. if u've heard the facts from both parties in full and in person, pastu u buat kesimpulan and decide who's right and wrong, itu namanya penghakiman. tapi when u don't go through this process properly and make your decisions and SLANDER based on your emotions and what u heard in person from ONE party, that's just fitnah. and foolish. and rude, if u ask me.

u suddenly come and open up a can of worms out of nowhere, after being quiet from me for a long time. this problem happened almost 2 years ago lah. isn't this a little childish? u are right, we are not getting any younger so u should worry more about yourself, not X or me. MOVE ON. GET A FUCKING LIFE.

by the way, i have apologised to X if u must know. kalau tak caya, u can ask X to dig up the old email correspondences we had on this topic and u will see how i grovelled at her feet.

are u happy now?

thanks for being a "fren", dear. now i know who my frens really are...

ps: check your grammar, girl. go to an english class or smthg.. sakit mata aku baca broken english. dah tua tu bawak2 la belajar.