an insomniac, i am

last nite i had my insomnia attack again after so long.. i woke up at 4.00 am, with so many thoughts swirling around in my head.. i was trying to trick my brain into sleeping by closing my eyes but after a half hour of that and listening to mr. sleepyhead snoring happily next to me, i opened my eyes, felt a little sting and turned on the tv..

i flicked through the channels but nothing good was on so i pushed the info button and channel 70 (starworld) was going to show Oprah at 5.00 am.. i happily waited.

the show's issue of the day was abusive spouses.. they featured this couple who's been married for 13 years and the husband abused the wife verbally, mentally, emotionally and sometimes when it gets really bad, physically.. and then Oprah brought in this very famous and successful marriage counsellor who then put the couple through a therapy session.. in one session, the husband could finally see what he was doing wrong to the wife, and most importantly, why he was doing it to her and his children. it all began in his own home when he was a child, where his parents were mistreating him and his siblings..

from that show, i could see myself through the husband's eyes... i am not going to deny that i've never abused anybody before, especially of the verbal kind. all of my boyfrens before jim had experienced that side of me.. and jim is not an exception.

i've learned to understand how it feels to be verbally abused by reflecting myself through the victim's eyes... i know how jim feels like when i shout names at him and yet i can't control myself in the heat of the moment.. i know that the first thing u shouldn't do when in a fight with a loved one is to name-call.. but i am still guilty of this until today, although the huge fights have worn off, thank god.

i've also learned another important element in a marriage, which is to compliment your other half on the things that u like him to do at/for/with u. the counsellor gave a tip from his own marriage - to say at least one (more than one is always better) good thing about your other half before u go to sleep. when u do this, u will instantly change your mindset about your marriage to a positive one (if u were having negative thoughts before).. all the bad habits, all the annoying traits and all the irritating things about your other half will disappear in that exact moment. your other half will in turn say at least one good thing about u and u will instantly feel better about yourself, which will then result in u wanting to do more good things for him and vice versa. this is a good cycle to practice, i will call this the good karma cycle. and i wish to practice this, if i can muster enough confidence to ask jim, that is.

in my bout of sleeplessness, i watched my beautiful man wrapping his hand around me and he doens't even notice it.. i know how much he loves me and i should know that he hurts too whenever we get into a fight despite the cool look on his face.. he never shouts back at me, (well, there was once but i give him some credit for that cos i was really pushing him to his limits) he will talk back calmly to me, and i will be the one yelling and cursing and screaming away psychotically.

so what i'm trying to get at is that i do not wish to be that abusive spouse like the ones frequently shown on tv. i don't know how i became the person i am today, with much bitterness inside me sometimes.. maybe the fights that i saw between my parents are the foundation for me in making (bad) decisions with loved ones.. they used to tear the house down with their fights, not just arguments, but big fights, with some wrestling action also u know (bila pikir balik, kelakar la pulak). so i guess, subconciously those images have been translated into actions and decisions when i grew up. i seldom choose the high way, i always seem to succumb to my inner evil and pick on fights even before i could stop it..

the first 4-5 months into our marriage, it was very rough.. we were trying to settle into a pattern, trying to build the first few blocks of foundation for the life we've committed to having together.. it wasn't easy, and mind u, it shouldn't be. it was harder for us because all in all we've only known each other for one year and nine months only i.e. from the first day we met until today. but now, the dust has settled and we are enjoying the peace and love that married couples should enjoy together.

sigh.. i am working on myself, only god knows how hard.. with this realisation, i hope at other times i am a pleasant person to hang around with...

ps: i would like to thank Oprah for keeping me company this morning.. i finally dozed off a little after 6.00 am :)