didn't plan it at all, in fact, i planned for bigger things for myself.. how ironic is that part 2

didn't plan for this post to be the 2nd part, but i didn't plan for a lot of things, remember?

i was drifting off to sleep last night and i was thinking: how did i get here?

i could've gotten married with my 1st ever boyfriend of 5 years (let's call him JJ) but i didn't. when he proposed to me, i was only 20 or 21 and i was still ambitious back then. he told me that when i'm finished with my studies, he would send his rombongan to see my family.. that proposal shocked my system, didn't do him any good at all. it made me think: do i really want to spend the rest of my life with this guy? just one guy? will i not experience anymore butterflies of new love? this milestone actually propelled me to look for another boyfriend. i realised that i didn't really love JJ and that there's more to life out there.

i realised that i wanted to be somebody someday and i had to work hard to get there.. i mean, i could've just taken the easy way by marrying him, have his kids and take care of our home... but i didn't. and that said a lot.

i planned to work my way up to a managerial position in "5 years' time". let me just first say, what a load of crap those sayings are - the "in 5 years' time" thing.. it's so over-used in company recruitments. how would u know where u'll be in 5 years? i mean, yes u can work your butt off to get where u want to be, but as i said, kita hanya mampu merancang, hanya Tuhan yang menentukannya... so to interviewers who like to ask that kind of question, please don't expect to get an honest answer because for all u know, the person sitting in front of u:

(choose your horror story)
a) could get into a horrible accident
b) could get robbed and shot
c) could die from a tsunami
d) could be called for a family emergency in Timbuktu
OR
e) the world could come to an end..

..the next day. it's not fair to ask one to see into one's future when all the future predictions can only be done by Him, right?

so anyhoo, i'm still a nobody now, but i know that if i had married JJ, i wouldn't be enjoying this kind of financial freedom, gathered this much experience, have this kind of opinions... in short, i would've been a much different person with different experiences.. i could've even become a janda by the age of 25, who knows.. so i'm glad i didn't marry JJ.

the "bigger things" that i planned for myself when i was younger, they weren't that big to begin with la.. but it's also made me realise that if i had become the manager that i was planning to be, i wouldn't have been ready.. heck, i don't even want to be a manager now yet cos then i'd have to "manage" more things & more people and hold more responsibilities.. i am so not ready for all that.. i'm still working out my messed-up personal life!

where i am right now is purely by accident.. i just have to decide soon whether i like where i am right now or not... if i don't, changes must be put in place.. and if i'm ok, then i'll be glad that i am... mesti bersyukur mah...

i can plan the hell out of every planner in the world for my future (career/personal) and make myself a somebody, but the good thing about being a gemini is that i can also take a backseat and go with the flow.. be more spontaneous.. i think that gives me more character...

geminians kick butt!

[update at 3.30 pm]
i'm getting sick of doing PR... correction: i'm not getting sick of it, i am sick of it. total and utter vile. i never went out to find a job in PR, it found me. i wanted to be in advertising (cos i thot it was cool like that, which i later found out that it's not that cool according to my advertising frens). it's been almost 8 years and i'm still doing the same old thing. meeting up, inviting, talking, writing for the media seems like a sordid chore now than a joy.. well, it never was a joy, but at least it was smthg that i do without question, u know what i mean?

do things happen for a reason? what's my reason? i need a reason!